Living in Grief
Have you ever awoken and felt as though all the air had been knocked out of you? Yeah, it's like that, but the feeling is constant. 6 years ago to the day, I saw my mother draw her last breath. 6 years later, I'm still grieving and I still feel the inner me crying out because she is gone and I can't do anything about it.
6 years ago, I had to let go of my mom and look at her for the final time. She truly was a remarkable woman, genuine, kind, and the ultimate giver. She gave of herself even when she didn't have much left to give, that never stopped her. Most of all, she was the most incredible mother. She loved unconditionally, had a smile that lit up a room, and had magical hugs that bad all the bad fall away.
This year has been worse, I'm not sure why. Maybe it's realizing she really is gone and isn't coming back. Maybe it's because I have been having a rough year, and the one person I always went to was my best friend, my mom. Maybe it's just simply because I miss her. I have had flashbacks for the past couple of months that hit me out of nowhere. I heard her voice when someone spoke the other day. And for a brief moment, I swore I spotted her across a restaurant. All met with immediate pain when I realized it wasn't her, it couldn't be. Mother's Day last month was nearly impossible for me. A day that I should be able to celebrate with my own children is clouded by the fact that I cannot see or hear from my own mother. It's hard to escape the pain when it hits so hard and so fast.
So today, I woke up with the feeling of an elephant upon my chest. I woke up with the instant sting that my mom is gone and tears started running down my cheeks.
Today, I will spend the day thinking of my mom. I will tell my children more stories about their Grammy, because the worst part is they don't remember her and my youngest never even had the opportunity to meet her. I will tell them about her inside jokes and her laugh, the incredible smile, and the magical hugs.
Today, I will look to the skies hoping and praying that she can see me and hear me. I will tell her everything I have told y'all. I will tell her about my life and I will wait... hoping to feel a sense that she has heard all of it.
This year has been worse, I'm not sure why. Maybe it's realizing she really is gone and isn't coming back. Maybe it's because I have been having a rough year, and the one person I always went to was my best friend, my mom. Maybe it's just simply because I miss her. I have had flashbacks for the past couple of months that hit me out of nowhere. I heard her voice when someone spoke the other day. And for a brief moment, I swore I spotted her across a restaurant. All met with immediate pain when I realized it wasn't her, it couldn't be. Mother's Day last month was nearly impossible for me. A day that I should be able to celebrate with my own children is clouded by the fact that I cannot see or hear from my own mother. It's hard to escape the pain when it hits so hard and so fast.
Today, I will spend the day thinking of my mom. I will tell my children more stories about their Grammy, because the worst part is they don't remember her and my youngest never even had the opportunity to meet her. I will tell them about her inside jokes and her laugh, the incredible smile, and the magical hugs.
Today, I will look to the skies hoping and praying that she can see me and hear me. I will tell her everything I have told y'all. I will tell her about my life and I will wait... hoping to feel a sense that she has heard all of it.
Momma, I miss you. I love you forever and ever, never gonna stop.
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